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7 Ways to Deal With a Grudge Holder

Roman Kosolapov/Shutterstock But either way, that identity brings along with it a sense of being the one who is right. Many times a person who holds a grudge has a sense that the world is split up into those who are right and those who are wrong. This is what psychoanalysts call “splitting,” that is, dividing people (feelings, beliefs and other things as well) into “good” and “bad.” British psychoanalyst Melanie Klein introduced this concept, which begins in early childhood and is usually outgrown as we get older and develop the capacity to see things in a more nuanced, complex way. But some of us never quite move out of this tendency to view everything as only one way or another, and to protect ourselves from feeling that we are all-bad, we have to see ourselves as all-good. An unrelenting grudge puts the grudger into the category of those who are right, and the person who wronged them in the category of those who are bad. Anger toward the person who has done wrong is then justified as appropriate and well deserved. That individual, the holder of the grudge thinks, also deserves to be punished for having done something so hurtful and insensitive. The problem is that both a grudge and the anger that accompanies it are often disproportionate to the “wrong.” Psychologically, someone holding a grudge may be punishing you not only for something you actually did in the here and now, but also for a wrong or series of wrongs done to them in the past. Often those wrongs happened in childhood, when the injured person had little or no power to respond to the injuries. They became a grudgemeister because they had no choice but to hold the anger and resentment inside.

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